Last Saturday morning, with a sinus headache so bad that I decided to “allow” myself not to work, I heard my phone ring. Not spam!! It was my friend and colleague in pediatric anesthesia, who also happens to be my oldest daughter. Our conversations range all over the map, anywhere from dinner last night to taking care of a really sick baby, and I love that. She recently started her fellowship and has an infant son, and they were out for a walk. She’s at the beginning of the mix we call life and career. Today, after the usual greetings, she quickly grew serious.

“Mom, can I ask you a question?” Sure honey, anything. Go ahead.

I heard the emotion and exhaustion in her voice as she asked the question. “How did you do it? I mean, you did a fellowship, you started working, you did cardiac full-time, you had three children….how did you do it? No matter how much I do it never feels like enough.”

It’s funny how when your kids are growing up you long for them to appreciate you. Absolutely crave it. But hearing her now, all I could feel was sadness. “Honey, I made sacrifices I never should have made. I didn’t take enough time off when I had each of you. I didn’t sleep enough. I didn’t cultivate friendships outside medicine. I felt guilty taking time for myself, and over the course of years I worked myself into a spiral where I couldn’t stop working even when I wanted to.” I hardly remember some years of my life, but I built that CV. And have I even recovered from that? Why, on Saturday morning, with a full-on sinus headache, am I justifying to myself why I’m not editing a book chapter??

So I gave her the advice I wish someone had given me. I thought I could do it all, but no one can. I thought I’d be judged if I did less because I was a Mom and so I kept trying harder. Don’t do it. Live your life and love every precious minute. Learn to draw boundaries, and choose what’s most important.

“It’s a gorgeous day. Enjoy your walk. Relax. Don’t read anesthesia. It will be there tomorrow, and the next day. Carve out time for you, and for your family, but especially for you. Just allow yourself to be. Don’t lose the ability to sit still, or just enjoy a morning walk.”

Relief. Someone had “given her permission” to relax. “Okay, Mom, I will.”
Can you give yourself permission to relax today? Purposefully neglect just one thing that doesn’t need to done today, and breathe. Look around, and enjoy the moment.